Problem #2: Inappropriate Comments/Behavior

Inappropriate comments and behavior at a gym are difficult to blog about because it is not always a black and white issue. Wrestling and grappling are contact sports and accidental contact is inevitable. Class is not the place to work through one's issues regarding this; you need to be in a place where you can deal with it before you show up. If you are really uncomfortable with close physical contact, you may want to look into stand-up fighting. Also, while most public locations adhere to certain standards of language and behavior, gyms tend to be a bit more lax about this.

It is always a good idea to try to figure out if you feel safe and comfortable in a gym before you sign up for classes. Most gyms will let you attend your first few classes for free or will let you pay by the class at first. It is a good idea to visit and vibe out any gyms you are interested in ahead of time. This may take care of problems before they arise.

There are many many many factors involved in choosing a place to train, which I will describe in detail in a later post. But for the purpose of finding a place where you don't have to put up with inappropriate comments or behavior, the key things to pay attention to are the way the students interact with each other and the way coaches and students interact. You can usually determine pretty easily whether the vibe is smooth and something you want to be a part of or not as long as you are really looking. (I have ignored some pretty blatant warning signs because I really wanted to train somewhere and have always regretted it.)

So when you're attending your free classes, pay close attention to anything you feel might come up as an issue. I always check to make sure people are working safely and careful, respectfully and cooperatively, and whether everyone is being included. I try to notice if there are any weird power plays. I look around to see if there is a code of conduct posted anywhere. If I have the chance to talk to an instructor, I will bring up concerns and gauge their reactions. (You may consider avoiding dropping names of coaches you've had issues with-- the martial arts scene is pretty tiny.)

But say you vibed out a gym and it seemed okay (or you joined it despite your better judgement) and you end up having to deal with some obnoxious behavior from training partners or coaches. Should you stay or go? This is an extremely personal decision that nobody can make for you, but just a warning about staying at gyms you don't feel comfortable in. The problem is that it is difficult to compartmentalize different aspects of your life, and if you let people treat you poorly in one place it will inevitably spill over into other areas. Also, if something starts out really well and gets bad, it usually continues to get worse. If you do end up staying, you may at least want to start visiting some other schools in the area. Also, if have signed a contract at a gym that includes martial arts classes, realize that it is sometimes possible to get out of the contract if you explain the situation to the owner.

Assuming you have chosen to stay for now, here are some strategies for dealing with inappropriate comments and behavior.

1. First of all, a gym is a gym. Gyms are pretty casual, there are lax standards of speech and behavior and your class is probably dominated by men who may forget you are there at times and resort to locker-room language. Although it's not my ideal training environment, I maintain a pretty high tolerance for "guy talk" as long as it is not directed toward me, doesn't make me feel unsafe and doesn't interfere with my training.

2. I'm not sure how common inappropriate comments in MMA are but it's something I've experienced in almost every gym I've been in. One of the problems is that women have different tolerance levels or ways of handling things, so it's really important to tell the person who is making inappropriate comments that they need to stop. Sometimes this in itself is all it takes. "I don't think your jokes are funny and I want you to stop," or "I'd appreciate it if you stop making comments about _________" or "I don't pay money to get harassed" are pretty clear and to the point. You can also better gauge the situation by how someone responds. I've had men apologize and discontinue the behavior, and I've had men laugh in my face and tell me they really don't care how their behavior makes me feel. Which is always good to know.

In case of inappropriate behavior (e.g. touching), because wrestling and grappling are contact sports and appendages get in the way, incidental contact is pretty inevitable. (If you don't believe me, try grappling or wrestling with another woman.) But if you're really concerned about someone who is pretending to drill with you but is actually just trying to cop a cheap feel (repeatedly), one way to determine whether this is an accident or not is to ask your coach to watch you drill for a while so he can tell you if you're doing it right. If your training partner mysteriously stops the behavior, he's probably doing it on purpose. If he does not stop, he's probably innocently oblivious but now your coach can make corrections since you asked for feedback on the drill. If you're pretty sure the guy's doing it on purpose (and that's not enough to make you switch training partners or talk to your coach), you can bring it up the way the way you would with inappropriate comments. Physically moving someone's hand while saying "that's not my armpit" (or whatever) should do the trick. Remember that you can always switch partners mid-drill, especially if you are worried about your training partner's personal safety at the moment.

3. It is a good idea to keep a record of what happens so you can see if there's a pattern. Also, if you ever decide to bring it up to your coach (or to the gym) it's good to have documentation. If you do decide to bring it up, it can sometimes be a good idea to take someone with you. If your coach is cool he will address the situation, but it's likely that he is friends with your creepy training partner, will say he wants to "talk to him to get his side of the story," will accuse you of lying or will say he didn't see it so can't do anything about it. This can make a bad training situation a million times worse, so be prepared to move on.

4. Confronting a harasser or quitting a gym can be a cathartic experience, but it's even better to stop putting yourself in situations where you need to do this. It is far more powerful to find a gym where you are treated with respect so you can focus on your training. So do whatever you need to do to break the cycle. Listen to your instincts, shop around carefully and spend as much time as you need to vibing out a gym to make sure it is safe, comfortable and friendly. Good luck!

And some quick tips for coaches:

1. Of course gyms are casual and relaxed and your students aren't going to use academic English. People will often make silly jokes and comments. However, it's important to get back on topic to avoid having your class turn into something resembling a bar rather than a professional training environment. For example, if someone asks a question and someone tells a joke, make sure you still address the question.

2. If you do have expectations of your students, it can be a good idea to state them clearly and explicitly and even post them up somewhere around the room. This also lets students know they can talk to you if something comes up. And you can go over the rules with new students to keep everyone on the same page.

3. You are personally responsible for making sure ALL of your students are safe and comfortable. You set the standard, so it's a good idea to remain professional and refrain from making unnecessary and inappropriate comments yourself. Also, don't be afraid to let your students know if they are behaving inappropriately. Keep your eyes and ears open and be receptive to any concerns that do arise. If there are minors in class, this becomes even more important.

4. Protect yourself. As a teacher, I always make sure to leave my door open and to have several students in the room at all times. This may not be necessary at your gym, so of course use your own judgement. It is a good idea to keep documentation of any accusations or issues that do arise and actions you have taken to address the issue.