Problem #1: Not Having a Training Partner

There is a really excellent article by Liz Bader Posener (who incidentally cleaned house at Grappler's Quest in Vegas this past May). The article, A Girl's Guide to Grappling, has some really basic tips for women interested in grappling for the first time. These suggestions are absolutely spot-on and necessary in most gyms these days. But the fact that they are necessary means that the current state of women's martial arts training sucks.

In a healthy gym, a woman would not need to walk in and immediately stand next to the nicest, smallest looking guy in class because everyone there would be cool. The coaches would be really in tune with dynamics, and would quickly step in and rearrange partners if necessary. (And in the ideal world, classes would always have even numbers.)

But in most gyms there's a tendency for women to have trouble finding partners for drilling or rolling. Sometimes this isn't even because of gender but just because they are new or are shy. But I have had people outright refuse to roll with me. They usually will not admit it is because of gender, but will make stupid excuses (about being injured or tired) which doesn't stop them from immediately rolling with someone else.

Tips for Women

1. Follow the advice outlined in Liz's article. Make sure you're dressed appropriately for class, are not talking or whining or laughing incessantly, and appear serious about your training.

2. If possible, try to bring someone you know with you to class. At least you will have a drilling partner, and the more people you roll with when you're done drilling the better.

3. In addition to figuring out who you can work with or want to work with (and it can be good to switch it up from class to class), you may want to get more aggressive about asking for partners. This is also helpful for gauging class dynamic and figuring out if NOBODY will work with you or if it's just the three guys you keep asking.

4. If someone doesn't want to roll with you, just drop it. And don't take it personally. It's easy to get your brain stuck in some kind of feedback loop where you want to work with someone simply because they are ignoring you, which makes them even less likely to work with you. It is a total waste of time. If someone doesn't want to work with you it could be for completely stupid reasons or because of their own ego/issues. Just move on.

5. If you do get sat out a lot, do NOT just sit there. Make sure you are doing something--shadow boxing, running drills on your own, anything. Of course an exception is if you've just gone a few rounds and are sitting out while trying to catch your breath. But if you have to sit out more than one round, drilling will at least improve your game and is better than sitting in the corner and crying.

6. If this is a really big issue, you may try talking to your coach one on one after class (or before class). This can be really helpful if he is simply unaware of what is happening. And if he just doesn't care (I've had a coach say "There's really nothing I can do about that") at least you know where you stand.

7. Sometimes spending a lot of time on the sidelines is due to logistics. I went to a gym where we rolled to submission and I always got submitted within a minute because I was so new. The other guys would have really long rounds. Finally I started asking if we could go several rounds or would ask for a re-do if my rounds were too short. Unfortunately, a lot of coaches are unaware of dynamics (or simply don't care) so you may need to advocate for yourself.

Tips for Coaches

1. Recognize that this dynamic is likely to happen and plan for it beforehand. Decide on an approach. Options include pairing people up yourself, putting those who need less practice in groups of 3 for drills if there is an odd number, regrouping people if someone continues to get sat out and giving people something to do during rounds where they are sat out (whether it's drills, shadowboxing or simply keeping time). You may also consider letting people roll for set timed rounds instead of to submission so that everyone gets equal time on the mat.

2. You may want to consider having a 101 class or including a private session in the sign-up fee so you can get total newbies up to speed on basic drills and terminology. People who have been training for a long time can sometimes get frustrated with new students who are unaware of introductory concepts.

3. If someone is regularly refusing to roll with people, you may want to actually talk to them about it. Making students work with other students against their will can be a recipe for injury, but there are certainly a myriad of responses. (If I were queen of the world, anyone who refuses to roll would have to sit out the round.)

4. It can be a good idea to switch who you are pairing a new person up with so that they have an opportunity to work with multiple people (and in case the person you normally pair them with doesn't show up one day). Switching it up can also prevent the resentment likely to build up if someone always has to go with the newbie. Students with more experience are less likely to cause accidental injury, so pairing a newb up with someone high-level can be a good idea.

5. Keep an eye on your students. Of course you'll want to correct any mistakes they are making, but this is also a chance to keep an eye out for other sticky dynamics/issues (which I will blog about extensively in the future.)

6. Remember that YOU set the tone and standard for the class which your students follow suit. Communication is key--if you are concerned about dynamics or anything that you think may be going on, you may want to broach the topic with your student.It's possible she's been wanting to talk to you but is feeling intimidated or doesn't know how to bring it up.

7. If you don't want to train new people, don't want to train women or don't want to train anyone who isn't preparing for a professional fight, TELL THEM. It is pretty lame to pretend that everyone is welcome if they're not. You are not sparing anyone's feelings and you are wasting their time.